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    From the daily archives: Saturday, December 11, 2010

    Sunday, April 15, 2007 7:56 AM, CDT
    Good Morning, it’s a beautiful bright Sunday.
    Last night Steve, Alex and I watched the original “Godzilla”, filmed in Japan with clumsy dubbing and a star performance by Raymond Burr. What a hoot! Katryna was with her gaggle of girls at her birthday slumber party, so we just had Alex. Very sweet.

    I sing lullabies to my kids, and Alex likes them, so I offered. His dad requested Schubert’s “Ave Maria”. What a nice way to end a peaceful day. even with the remnants of a cold in my head.

    In the wee hours of the morning, I dreamed of Felicia. She just wanted to be held and held. She doesn’t understand this as well as my son is able to, and she’s scared. I’m glad that when I pick her up on Monday I wont be so sick, and I can handle it if she soothes her rumpled little soul by calling me “baldy”.

    It’s cruise from here, yippee… at least until the next chemo. I’ll be more relaxed when I know what that’s like, after I get past the unknown and through the first Taxol/herceptin infusion.

    When it started, this journey just looked like such a long, arduous, potentially endless trek…It’s so good to have passed one landmark. Now I can feel that this path has a beginning, steps, and an end, in sight. I don’t ever have to see those particular chemicals again, nor some of the medicines I had to take with them.
    On to the next thing, and further along the path. Yes!

    Steve got me a tomato plant. I’ll put it into the ground today, and it will bear me fruit after these chemicals are all done!

    Happy Sunday!
    Love,
    Elizabeth

    * * * * *

    Current time postscript: it does me a world of good to look back here and see how I didn’t doubt. I wonder if that had something to do with it working? I assumed that I would never see Adriamycin and Cytoxan again, and I saw progress towards the goal.

    One thing I struggle with is fear that my deep confidence is testing an unkind universe to strike me for my hubris! I know that’s crazy, but it’s that old “waiting for the shoe to drop” kind of thing. I don’t dare consider myself triumphant yet I feel as if I have won, am strong, and have work to do. I have to hold on to my belief in a benevolent higher power, who would never strike me down for believing the best.

    If my cancer were to recur, would I have failed?

    Do I not hold on to the belief that I have overcome, because it makes me feel strong, or do I humbly hold the jury to be out on that one?

    A minister friend of mine dared to prophesy that I would grow old, and hold my children’s children in my arms. He told me that I have overcome.

    Of course I fear recurrence, now that I am acutely aware of how much it happens. I have to make the choice not to let that fear distract me.

    Right now I’m here, and determined to make the very most of the time I have.

     
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