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  • 2011 April 17
    From the daily archives: Sunday, April 17, 2011

    Oh yes, it is a delicate balance.

    Some folks pace themselves ever so beautifully, and life maintains a steady and doable pace.

    Others, like myself, fluctuate madly between just right and ‘way too much, and then all the balls I’m juggling in the air come crashing down in a disordered heap, and I look around at them dazed and confused.

    This has been the way I do it for my entire life. Will I ever learn? Perhaps, I’m still hoping!

    The show was great, I had a blast, and when it was over I was unbelievably pooped. I also discovered that more than I had been willing to look at had fallen apart while I was in my happy theater place.

    So, what to do? I’m not going to stop doing theater! However, I’m going to do the next one differently. I have learned a good bit that I will try not to forget.

    Next time a do a show, I will have less on my plate to begin with, so there is less to fall apart. I also will clear my schedule as much as possible during tech week so my sleep is not sacrificed. I have the flexibility built into my work life that I can add more in the weeks before and after so I don’t get so wiped out during tech week. I guess I have learned some things!

    It is my habit to take on too much. I used to do it for other people, now I do it like a little hungry kid who thinks everything looks great and orders too much food. There’s nothing in my life that I don’t enjoy. That’s the progress. There’s still just a bit too much of it, and I’m not the barrel of energy that I used to be and that’s all there is to it. Gotta pick and choose, and that’s not a bad thing.

    I laughed today when I had a hot flash and realized that the time for complaining about this has passed. I am approaching 50 (OMG, really?) and this would really be just about that time! Menopause at 45 when I still felt young was one thing. Menopause in the natural order of things is just “the change” and we all deal with it.

    Are my aches and pains the leftovers from treatment or am I just getting old? Do I need more sleep for the same reason, or have I just stopped being so foolish as to not notice what a ditz I am (not to mention needing a steady supply of caffeine to function) as to think that sleep is expendable?

    I guess this is the midlife crisis, when the reality hits, as one person told me once, that “there’s less in front of ya than there is behind ya”. The good ol’ days of endless energy and resilience are gone, and whether I had cancer or not they’re still gone! Sooner than they would have been? At this point I don’t know.

    I still enjoy everything I do as much as I ever did, but the fact is that I can do less of it.

    On the other side of that are delicious things I get to do more of. I get to putter in my garden, which I never had the patience for before. I take naps, and I love those. I am free of the obsession with looks and size. I’m ripe and mellow instead of young and wild.

    Best of all, I made it this far, which at one time was in question.

    So, all the balls I’ve been juggling in a heap on the floor means that I have to be a little less ambitious.

    One of the things I’ve learned is that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who is impressed with what I’ve accomplished. What matters is how I feel about how I’ve spent my precious time.

    Now, for a doze….

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