Not much else to say. The ups and downs of Planet Cancer. I’m still here, going backpacking tomorrow. My dear friend Susan in the hospital. Next week I’ll post from a mom who beat a nasty lung cancer, but today I have no heart for it. Susan’s battle pisses me off. Please, go join Army [...]
Not much else to say. The ups and downs of Planet Cancer.
I’m still here, going backpacking tomorrow.
Next week I’ll post from a mom who beat a nasty lung cancer, but today I have no heart for it. Susan’s battle pisses me off.
Please, go join Army of Women if you haven’t yet.
Get behind Deadline 2020 if you’re not there yet.
Pray for another drug to use when the ones my friends are using don’t work anymore.
Back next week on a happier note! For now I just gotta be mad.
It’s a good line though, and sort of true! But mixed in with the gardening for sanity is the hard work for my family’s benefit, and supporting a friend through her cancer treatment. She was diagnosed in June and was not insured. I just posted about what insurance gets you at my blog at Everyday [...]
It’s a good line though, and sort of true!
But mixed in with the gardening for sanity is the hard work for my family’s benefit, and supporting a friend through her cancer treatment. She was diagnosed in June and was not insured. I just posted about what insurance gets you at my blog at Everyday Health.
My boy has been away at wilderness camp, and being a champ. We’ve had quite a lot going on around here.
Life gets fast, and it has been, very much indeed. I got my wish. Some days I don’t think about cancer at all, or wouldn’t if I didn’t have so many wonderful friends on the blogosphere to keep track of.
Tomorrow I am headed out backpacking with my dear friend Susan, her brother, another friend I haven’t met yet, and my Godson.
Now I’m gone fishin’!
Wow, has it really been over a month since I posted?!!! I’m shocked! I guess I hit the pause button for awhile. I’m actually full throttle into rebooting my family system. (Really!) I just posted over at Everyday Health about how cancer has affected my family. We are still dealing with it. My son is [...]
Wow, has it really been over a month since I posted?!!! I’m shocked!
I guess I hit the pause button for awhile. I’m actually full throttle into rebooting my family system. (Really!) I just posted over at Everyday Health about how cancer has affected my family. We are still dealing with it. My son is away at a Wilderness Therapy Camp, and we are engaged in doing everything we can to make sure that the courageous work he is doing up there in the Oregon desert is going to stick.
So, I’ve been in Mom mode, guiltily ignoring all the goings-on in the cancer world, to focus on my family. There is a lot going on, lots that I have something to say about. I write long posts in snippets in my head. But alas, there is only one of me, so I have to focus on one thing at a time.
One of my online buddies that I’ve never met has posted about this. I have had it up to my eyeballs with chemo-brain. I am trying to do my Mom thing, do my work, focus on my family, get things done. My family has been deeply affected by Mom fighting for her life in 2007. I am always grateful, every day, that I survived, and am still surviving.
I’m not the same, and sometimes that really pisses me off.
This last weekend I made a mistake at one of my jobs. I wasn’t on top of my game. In the past, I was known as someone who was pretty sharp, had it together. I could hold several big pictures in my mind at once, and fish in my brain for the vast databank of details. A boyfriend of mine used to call me “computerbrain” with great respect. No more.
I lose details. I don’t remember routines that are new. My hands know how to do the things I’ve done for years, but yesterday’s instructions get lost in the muck. I make many more mistakes than I used to. I affirm to myself that I never make the same mistake twice, and mostly that’s true. When I discover that my overloaded hard drive missed something, I create a system externally (like a list, or an alarm on my phone) to make sure I don’t repeat an error. Unfortunately I make errors. Lots of them. This is not like me and I’m struggling with that.
Other people really don’t get it. If I joke about having a mind like a sieve, I’ve heard, “I never had chemotherapy and my brain is like that too”. (Quitcher bitchin’, you’re just a ditz…)…
It’s not the same. It’s frustrating. Other people think I’m a flake. One of my colleagues thought it would be great to make an example of me, so I can feel real bad.
Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving. After you survive it, the treatments you had can give you a new one. Your brain may never recover. Your children grow up before they are supposed to. I feel guilty bitching about it, because I’m alive, which is more than many of my fallen sisters and brothers can say.
It’s not black and white today, it’s gray. I can rejoice that I live, and mourn what I have lost. It’s gone, never to return, and that’s just the way it is. My left arm will not be strong again, my brain will not be sharp again, although both can work very well under the right circumstances.
Tuesday evening I will get on a train and go to Albany Oregon, where I will see my son for the first time in three and a half weeks. He has been in the high desert with three therapists and five other boys. He has cooked for himself, made his own shelter, and explored his hurts bravely. I can’t wait to see him. I am so proud of him.
And while I am feeling guilty for dropping out, I notice that my community is still here, the community of people determined to live well after and in spite of cancer, to help others to do it. I love to see my friend’s comments here. I have a guest post coming, waiting for me to catch up with myself and share another perspective. I’m honored that another cancer warrior wanted to offer her story on these pages. One more inspiring story, coming up!
None of us are alone. If the rest of my world doesn’t understand chemo brain, at least my cancer warrior sisters do. Yes, they do.
About The LIberation of Persephone/ElizabethElizabeth Danu started this blog to provide a postive and useful resource for people facing cancer and thier loved ones. She is now a ten year survivor of Stage IIIC Inflammatory Breast cancer, enjoying her post-cancer life as a mom, blogger, speaker, wellness consultant and unquenchable optimist. She also sings and performs regularly with her a capella quartet, Curious Blend.
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My bedside companion in 2007
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